Courting

The idea of actually courting a person seems so.... old fashioned to me. I wouldn't want someone buying me stuff and trying to prove they could be a "good man" just to go broke doing it, or stop the second they've "won" me. What I would want in a person is someone I can get along with and be comfortable with and who is responsible with their own stuff, including their finances, but also their emotions (in that they don't need to feel like they need to prove that they are a good man, I want them to just BE a good man).



A few articles have come to my attention recently about how the internet and technology has destroyed courting and dating in the old sense. And they point out that dating roles have changed so it makes it harder, and confusing for people to date because it has previously so clearly defined (or, so we like to think). The Slate Magazine article points out that maybe we shouldn't be so sad about this, maybe we should be embracing the new definitions of dating as we struggle to actually come up with rules. The Guardian News article (shared with my by one of my friends) asks if the NY Times article that both of them are discussing is really a little late in the game of discovery that courtship is dead. In all honesty, I agree, courtship is dead, and I'm glad. One thing that technology brings into this too, you can get to know a person a lot quicker, people text all the time, or Facebook message, so don't start by asking them out, chat and see if you'll actually get along.

Understandably, there is a lot of confusion and awkwardness about it. However, there are also some really important things to note, and one of them is to respond to body language! This article, in Jezebel, discusses how to approach a woman and not seem like a creep. But, in all honesty, in the article and the comments the discussion of how every woman is different shows up. And, this is true, not all women want the same thing, nor do they think the same things are creepy. If a woman is obviously trying to walk away, or is answering your questions with short, curt answers, then maybe you should back off.

One of the most interesting things about that Jezebel article, to me, is the comment a man made "For all the talk about gender stereotypes and gender equality, I think this is one area that is still completely lopsided and puts all of the pressure on men. I'm not saying it's fair or not fair, but when we live in a society where the norm is for the man (I'm talking about heterosexual relationships here) to be the aggressor, doesn't that just automatically set the tone for men to be the dominant one in heterosexual relationships? In other words, can we have true equality between men and women if we never get to the point where it's just as normal and expected for women to hit on men?" and of course, the comments that followed about how men actually often find that a turn-off and that many women who hit on men are seen as "weird". I love that idea, I, for one, have not usually hidden when I am interested in a man, and usually encourage them to ask me out, if I don't just go right out and do it myself if I am interested. Similar to the discussion though, I have found that the men I have aggressively sought tend to be insecure in relationships, and I end up doing a lot, or men get scared off, so generally I don't actually ask a guy out. 

This whole thing just brings about so many discussion topics in my mind though, and it makes me love the potential the world has right now for so many different relationships to bloom.  I urge you to all consider the change in dating norms not as a hindrance to your ability to date, but rather as an adventure, one where you get to choose your own ending. 

Abortion after Rape

New Mexico is trying to pass a law that will prosecute women who get an abortion after rape as "tampering with evidence". These people are stretching the definition of evidence and they should absolutely  not be able to pass this. Luckily, according to the article "The bill is unlikely to pass, as Democrats have a majority in both chambers of New Mexico's state legislature" but I would be there to protest if it DID pass.

Also, I think that Rep. Cathrynn Brown should have to take care of every woman who is raped for the next 5 years for just proposing this, whether or not they get an abortion. She should have to drive them to the hospital and to their therapy sessions and feed them and check on each one every day. She obviously doesn't know the emotional toll this kind of thing can have on a woman, so she should be exposed to it! (also, DON'T re-elect her!!!)

Dating Apps

I was on the train the other day and saw someone on an app designed to get single people dates. Kinda like Grindr but for straight people (it wasn't ... Zoosk, the one that you see advertised everywhere, it was Singlesomething, I didn't recognize it) and the guy opened a picture of a girl, zoomed in on her body and moved the picture around, zoomed out, and moved on to the next picture. It kinda made me sad that a person who would download a singles app is still only focusing on looks. Not only that, I was right next to him, if he really wanted to meet girls he should just start talking to them!

Not that I don't accept that looks are important to both genders, I think I could never date a man who was obese (maybe that's partially about lifestyle, but also about sexual attraction), but the fact that he did not even look at her face made me a little sad. He could have maybe seen other pictures where her face was more prominent before this one, I don't know, but still, maybe we should be moving beyond the dating solely for looks and more into realizing that everyone has their flaws, and if her body doesn't look bad in the normal sized picture, zooming in won't make it any more clear. (That's also kinda creepy...)

Planning for Women

In school for Urban Planning it always bothered me that urban planning for women really was just planning for families. Women without families were largely ignored (except for the occasional night time security detail at a transit station mention) and I hated that that wasn't specified as planning for families, separate from planning for women. Sometimes (and more often now) men are the stay-at-home parent, if there is one, or the main caretaker of the children, so it really isn't planning for women, it's planning for children.

Women actually were the first computer scientists

But, this article, which is amazing, about Google's HR research to keep employees, is also focused on accommodating women who want to have children. Not that that isn't a problem, but there are so many more things to women, and men, that need to be planned to make everyone's life more comfortable. I do agree that extended maternity leave is AMAZING, I can only imagine how hard it would be to have to only take a couple weeks off after pushing a child out of your vagina... but, that's not the only thing. I like that Google is aiming to keep women around, but there's something more about making everyone happier to work there that will make women happier too.

However, I support Google for wanting to keep women around, we are all pretty amazing and companies should want to keep women around.

Vaginas

So, vaginas are naturally an important part of feminism. Not to the extent that Caitlin Moran portrayed them in her book "How to be a Woman", but they are still important. And further, the education of women about their vagina is very important! I went to college in Texas, where the high school curriculum is abstinence only education for students. This, to me, was a complete and utter failure. I have friends who believed the many myths I scoffed at as a high schooler. "You can't get pregnant when it's your first time", "STDs are only transmitted if the guy ejaculates", and so many more. Some of them are partially  based in truth, STDs are much easier to pass when the male ejaculates, and the likelihood of getting pregnant on your first time is low (but not any lower than any other time! it's just that the actual chances of pregnancy depend on so many things there is a very low pregnancy rate for the number of sexual encounters).

However, one of the things that has shocked me the most is when one of my friends told me her parents told her she physically couldn't use a tampon until she had sex, so the mother refused to buy her tampons in high school. I'm not sure if the mother of this girl really believed this myth or not, and yes, if you wanted to TRY to keep your hymen intact, you probably shouldn't use a tampon before sex, but you CAN, and, I personally think you should (if you want to)! When my sister sent me a link to the new Kotex commercial about debunking myths about vaginas I naturally was interested in starting to participate in the movement. Further, some of the comments absolutely shocked me on that article too.

Overall, women just need to learn more about their vaginas! Starting with the absolute basics about actual microbial balance and stuff, we need to really explore the possibility that we can love our vaginas.  In order to get a full understanding about them, we need to research them, and learn what is healthy for them, as well as what is unhealthy. I have family members who suffer from regular yeast infections and have learned many ways to deal with and reduce the chances they will get another one. I also have many friends who have repeatedly gotten Urinary Tract Infections and have turned to me (their most educated friend on the topic, what?!) to help them figure out what to do. I did have two UTIs in my life.. one was absolutely horrendous, and the other one (mostly because I knew what was going on) was moderately bad. I always Google possible pain reduction and prevention methods as well as advise peeing often, etc, but I also insist that they call their doctor. The only thing that actually cured my UTIs were antibiotics. My friends will tell you, I am the last person to turn to medicine in any way, but sometimes that really is the BEST, and maybe only, way to deal with a situation. The longer you wait, the worse it gets. So I do think it is time to start removing these myths from people's ideas of truth, separating the true from the false and educating people about what their vaginas really mean.

Lack of good education is not only bad for women trying to take care of themselves, but for men who are currently in charge of many things women can use to get better education and more health care for sexual/vaginal related issues. Without good education all around we will continue to have men believe a woman cannot get pregnant from rape (it's the 21st century, you should know how a human body works to a good extent in order to pass legislation about how we can use our bodies, rapists should not be allowed to sue the raped victim) and will be forced to continue to contend with people of all age/race/gender/location trying to control free access to support for rape and other issues. Education may be the only cure to crazy things like labiaplasty and misuse of douching. So, forget about that extra study hall and sign everyone up for a comprehensive sexual education course that covers everything you ever needed to know about a vagina.

Violence Against Women

Violence in any gesture is pretty terrible. But sometimes it is necessary, and other times it is purely hateful. The attack on a 23 year old woman in Delhi is gaining so much attention that I wonder, what about all of the other girls who were attacked, and what really makes the final straw, the final straw? Not only is this woman's life over (she died recently after days of struggling to live with internal bleeding and many organ transplants) but many other women probably relive their nightmares that have either gone unreported or under-reported by media outlets. The woman of mention boarded a bus in Delhi with her friend and was then beaten and gang raped by 6 men (who used a metal rod at some point to rape her as well) while the bus was moving. All 6 of the men have been arrested, 5 are being officially tried soon, one is 17 and therefore classified as a minor. Prior to her death, many hoped she would survive the massive damage done to her body, including the government which feared riots and more protests if she died. Now that she has, protests have continued, including candle light vigils and violent outbreaks. However, many of these protests are attended mainly by men. This article points out that often, the men are not there to support the women, but rather to support a more paternalistic view of the world, and to claim the need for safety for women, if only by keeping them more hidden and more repressed. Many women shy away from protesting at these events because they will most likely be groped and abused while protesting for women's rights! Other women rush to gun shops to arm themselves, just in case. These attacks remind me of many articles about journalists being attacked in Egypt on camera. We, as a world, need to work toward making these types of attacks unacceptable, not only in the eyes of moral people, but in the eyes of everyone.

Earlier this year, a young girl was shot by the Taliban in Pakistan for being outspoken about education for women, and equal rights for women in Pakistan. This girl (she's only 15) was shot while on her way to school, and has since risen to international fame for her strength and her message. When people fight for their own rights, they are not given their rights, some of them must lose their lives and serve as martyrs to get the news out. This should not be the case, but it is. Hopefully all across the world, people are beginning to realize that these attacks are not acceptable, that the rest of the world will not stand for them.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not wonder what I would do in a situation that these women are exposed to every day. Would I fight back? Would I succumb to the abuse?

All I can say is I hope women continue to fight, I hope that women in India and in Pakistan, and in every place on the Earth stand up for themselves, and that everyone learns to respect us for what we are: fellow humans and equal peers.

Marriage

I read an article the other day (which I, unfortunately, cannot find) and as the debate heats up for human rights with many states passing marriage equality laws, and transgendered people are no longer considered diseased, and so many other things, I wonder where marriage really fits in. Many people argue that the marriage equality fight is for wealthy white people, not for African Americans, or those living in poverty. Partially, this is an issue because there are fewer straight people in those categories married, and partially this is because, often, the rights gained by marriage aren't as valuable to those groups (ie: shared insurance).

What if you don't believe in God?
Can you NOT get married?

This debate and all of the focus on it, has forced me to examine my ideas on marriage. I am not adamantly opposed to marriage as an idea, if in the future a significant other really wanted to get married I would probably agree to it, but I also don't think it is necessary. Many of these problems could be solved with an acceptance of how life, relationships, and homemaking have evolved in today's world. Often, even in the rich white world, marriage is not necessary. If both members of a relationship (or all three/four?!) have insurance that covers what is needed, and they are able to live comfortably with the demands of today's world, the only problem is post death and hospitalization issues (which can currently be resolved with papers stating what you want to happen). These issues could even be solved by requiring the person to prove their statement that they should get the rights deemed (though this could call for fraud) or requiring that everyone file a paper stating their preferences, perhaps every 5 years, or when they renew their ID cards. For insurance, benefits could be extended to people you are living with and sharing expenses with. This, of course, would mean that sometimes roommates would insure each other, or friends would band together to help each other out, but the overall reduction in health costs could make up for the slight loss. Further, universal health care (which, when administered effectively, can be very successful) would make it no longer necessary to prove "love" when applying for insurance benefits.

Anyway, to get back to feminist rights, marriage was originally a way to keep women suppressed, in a sense, because it allowed the government to only issue ownership rights to men, and provided a way for women to be provided for without providing them any more rights. Today, there are many reasons why someone might not get married but for me, it is mostly that I don't think it is necessary, or even right any more. We should be more concerned about making women a forefront of discussion and ensuring equal pay for women than making sure we look good enough to attract the one guy who will want to marry us. As this article points out, marriage is on the way out anyway.

One of the more inspiring articles/videos I've seen recently was this one, where a couple broke up through song. The song was not inspiring because they are fun/unique, or because they still want to remain cordial even though they are broken up, but what struck me is that they are breaking up because she does not want kids. At one point, she says she didn't want kids, and he says he always thought she would change her mind. For myself, a person not particularly keen on the idea of having children, this song struck a chord (haha). It is absolutely every woman's right to decide if she wants kids, it is also her and her significant other's right to decide if they want marriage and when they want to break it off or if they want to stay together forever. The government, or more-so the church in guise of the government, should not tell me that I have to agree to be with someone forever on their contract in order to be able to see them when they get hit by a car. Nor should the contract then determine that my love for my significant other is better/greater than the love of a couple who has stayed together through sickness and health without a contract. And most importantly, why should we cling to a contract that is outdated and was used to hold down important members of our society.

I would even change these captions to "People with ONLY feminine traits"
and "People with ONLY masculine traits". Everyone has a little of both, just
like Honey Boo Boo said "everyone's a little gay"

I recently finished Gaga Feminism (and while I don't agree with the title, it really wasn't mostly about Lady Gaga), and I think that as sexuality, commitment, and relationships change, so should our definitions of commitment and our ability to accept newly exposed kinds of relationships. I am still against pedophilic relationships (no 45 year old should be romancing a 14 year old, that's even weird if the older person is only 20) mostly for power/submission/abuse of situation circumstances. I think that every person over the age of 17 should be able to get married, or not, and still have the "benefits" that come with marriage today, if they want them. I think it's time to move on from this archaic version of relationships and into the 21st century.